Feeling vs. Acting: The Skill That Changes Everything

A grounding guide from You Have the Right to Your Feelings

We all have moments where our emotions surprise us -- sometimes showing us "inconvenient" times. Maybe jealousy hits during a friend's big moment.. Maybe anxiety arrives on a calm Sunday afternoon... Maybe anger floods in before you even know why.

If this sounds familiar, you're in good company.

Here's the truth I remind my clients of all the time:

Your feelings are never the problem. It's what we do with them tat shapes what happens next. Learning to separate feelings from acting is one of the most powerful emotional skills we can develop. This is where freedom, self-trust, and healthier relationships begin.

Feelings = What shows up inside you

You don't choose:

• When anxiety spikes

• When sadness washes in

• When irritation flares

• When grief grabs hold

Emotions are automatic -- a mix of your brain, a body, history, and environment. They arise without asking for permission.

• They're data.

• They're messengers.

• They're signals tat something matters.

• They are not moral

• They are not permanent

• They are not instructions

Actions = What you choose to do next

Actions are:

• Voluntary

• Flexible

• Changeable

• And full of consequences

Even in intense emotional moments, there is space -- however tiny - between the internal experience and the external behavior. That space is where your power lives. That's where choice happens.

A Helpful Breakdown

Feeling	Acting
Automatic	Chosen
Internal	External
Temporary	Creates lasting effects
Neutral (not moral)	Can be harmful or helpful
Signals a need	Attempts to meet the need

Examples:

√ Feeling angry

X Acting by yelling or slamming doors

√  Acting by taking a breath and reinforcing a boundary

√  Feeling sad

X  Acting by emotionally withdrawing from everyone

√  Acting by reaching out, journaling, or resting

√  Feeling anxious

X  Acting by avoiding everything uncomfortable

√  Acting by taking one tiny doable step

The emotion = allowed

The behavior = chosen

Why We Mix the Two Up

Many of us grew up getting messages like:

• "Don't be mad"

• "Stop crying"

• "You're making a big deal out of nothing"

We learned that the feeling itself was wrong. So we either:

• Shut emotions down, or

• Let them explode

No one taught us te middle path: Feel fully, act wisely

As adults, we're left believing:

• "If I feel angry, I'm doing something wrong"

• "If I feel anxious, I'm failing"

• "If I feel jealous, I'm a bad partner"

NOT TRUE!

The CBT Connection

CBT helps you notice thoughts and behaviors that follow uncomfortable emotion.

Instead of

| Trigger -- feeling -- reaction

We aim for:

| Trigger -- Feeling -- Pause -- Strategy -- Response

That pause is the doorway to wisdom. It gives us options -- not just instincts.

How to Practice Feeling Without Reacting

1) Name the feeling

Labeling the emotion creates distance

| "I'm feeling anxious"

| " I'm angry"

Naming = calming

2) Notice the urge

Ask yourself:

| "What do I want to do right now?"

| Yell? Hide? Shut down? Fix something immediately

Just notice -- no judgement

3) Choose a value-aligned action

Values might lead you to:

• Take a breather

• Set a boundary

• Ask for help

• Speak calmly

• Pause before responding

This is maturity -- not perfection.

Why This Helps Relationships

When we confuse feelings with actions, we might:

• Apologize for having normal emotions

• Criticize others for theirs

• Expect people to "just stop feeling that way"

• React first, reflect later

Separating the two allows for cleaner communication:

| "I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need a break before I keep talking with you."

That's a boundary -- no disrespect. You can feel deeply and still respond thoughtfully.

Try This: A Short Exercise

The Pause and Choose Practice

1. Think of a recent moment that felt emotionally intense. Maybe you were irritated, sad, or anxious

2. Write down

| What did you feel?

| Ex: "I felt hurt and angry when my sister canceled last minute"

3. Write down:

| What did you do?

| Ex: "I ignored her texts for two days."

4. Ask:

| Was there a little bit of space between feeling and reacting?

| There always is -- even if tiny.

5. Rewind the tape:

| If I could choose again, what would I do differently?

| Ex: "I would tell her I'm disappointed and ask to reschedule"

This isn't about judgement. It's about noticing choice.

When you practice reflection regularly, that little space -- that pause -- gets bigger.

And you begin to trust yourself more.

Final Thought

You are allowed to feel:

• Angry

• Scared

• Jealous

• Sad

• Excited

• Confused

• Hurt

Those emotions tell you you're alive and connected to your world. But they don't have to control what you do next. You can hold a feeling gently in one hand, and choose a wise action with the other.

That's the emotional freedom. That's self-respect. That's how we build relationships rooted in care -- not chaos. You don't need to "fix" your feelings. You just need to learn how to walk with them.

And you've already begun. . .