Reframing Isn't Gaslighting Yourself:

How to Use Cognitive Tools Compassionately

If you've ever tried to “think more positively” and ended up feeling worse, you’re not alone.

A lot of people come into therapy telling me some version of: “I feel like I’m just gaslighting myself. I’m trying to reframe my thoughts, but it feels like I’m minimizing what happened or telling myself it’s not a big deal.”

And honestly? That concern is valid.

There is a way that “reframing” can turn into self-gaslighting:

- “It wasn’t that bad.”

- “Other people have it way worse.”

- “I shouldn’t feel this way or complain.”

That’s not healing. That’s abandoning yourself

But that’s not what cognitive tools (like reframing) are meant to be. Used well, they’re not about silencing your feelings—they’re about supporting you while you feel them.

Let's talk about the difference.

Gaslighting vs. Reframing: What’s Actually Going On?

Gaslighting (from someone else or from yourself) sounds like:

- “That didn’t happen.”

- “You’re being dramatic.”

- “You’re overreacting; stop making a big deal out of nothing.”

- “You’re too sensitive; this is your fault.”

The core message:

“Your reality and your feelings aren’t trustworthy.”

Reframing, when it’s healthy, sounds more like:

- “What happened was painful and I’m not powerless.”

- “It makes sense that I feel this way… what else might also be true?”

- “This was unfair and I can choose how I respond now.”

- “My emotion is valid, but my brain might be telling an extreme story.”

The core message here:

“Your feelings make sense.

Let’s find a way of thinking that supports you instead of attacking you.

Reframing is not about pretending harm didn’t happen.

It’s about shifting from self-attack to self-support.

Questions to Ask Yourself: Am I Reframing or Gaslighting Myself?

If you’re not sure which one you’re doing, try asking:

1. “Do I feel more seen or more dismissed after this thought?”

- If you feel heard, soothed, and a bit more grounded, that’s likely a compassionate reframe. - If you feel small, wrong, or ashamed for even having feelings, that’s probably self-gaslighting.

2. “Am I allowed to still feel what I feel?”

- Healthy reframing makes room for: “I still feel hurt, and that’s okay.”

- Self-gaslighting demands: “You’re not allowed to feel this way anymore.”

3. “Is this thought kind, honest, and balanced—or is it harsh and absolute?”

- Cognitive tools work best when they’re truthful and kind, not fake or sugar-coated.

- “I’m a complete failure” is harsh.

- “I’m struggling right now and learning” is more balanced and still honest.

Step One: You Have the Right to Your Feelings

Before we even touch the thought, we start here:

"I have the right to my feelings"

Not because every story your brain tells is 100% accurate—but because emotions are data. They are signals:

- “Something mattered to me.”

- “Something felt off, unsafe, or disappointing.”

- “Something needs attention.”

Healthy cognitive work never starts with “I shouldn’t feel this way.” It starts with: “Of course I feel this way.”

You don't lose your right to feel just because you're trying to heal.

How to Use Cognitive Tools Without Abandoning Yourself

Here's a simple compassionate framework you can use.

1. Name the feeling (without judging it)

Try:

- “I feel hurt.”

- “I feel anxious.”

- “I feel embarrassed and small.”

- “I’m ridiculous.”

- “I know I’m overreacting, but…”

You can even add a self-validating line:

“Given everything I’ve been through, it makes sense that I feel ____.”

2. Notice the story your brain is telling

Feelings are valid. Thoughts are workable.

Ask yourself:

- “What am I saying to myself about this?”

- “What does my brain believe this means about me, others, or the future?”

For example:

- Event: A friend doesn’t text back.

- Feeling: Anxious, rejected.

- Story: “They’re mad at me. I’m annoying. Everyone leaves eventually.”

You’re not judging the story yet. Just noticing it.

3. Gently check for distortions (without shaming yourself)

Now we ask: “Is this thought 100% accurate, or is it tilted in some way?”

Common mental “tilts” include:

- All-or-nothing thinking: “I always ruin everything.”

- Mind reading: “They think I’m pathetic.”

- Catastrophizing: “This one mistake means my life is over.”

- Labeling: “I’m just a failure / bad person / burden.”

Important: noticing distortions is not about calling yourself “irrational” or “crazy.” It’s more like: “Oh, my brain is in ‘worst-case scenario’ mode again. No wonder I’m panicking.”

4. Add a compassionate “both/and”

This is where a lot of people accidentally gaslight themselves. They jump straight from:

“I’m devastated” → “It’s fine, it doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t be upset.”

Instead, try both/and:

- “I’m really hurt and I’m not worthless.”

- “This was unfair and I can still take care of myself.”

- “I feel scared about the future and I don’t actually know for sure that it will turn out badly.” - “I’m disappointed in myself and I’m still allowed to try again.”

You’re not erasing the pain. You’re adding balance and support.

5. Offer yourself a kinder, truer thought

Now that you’ve validated your feelings and checked the story, you can try a reframe that is:

- honest

- grounded

- supportive

Examples:

Original thought: “I’m such a failure as a parent.”

Compassionate reframe: “I really care about my kid and I’m scared I’m messing up. I’ve made mistakes, like every parent, but I’m also learning and trying. That matters.”

Original thought: “They left, so I must be unlovable.”

Compassionate reframe: “It hurts deeply that they left. That pain is real. Their choice doesn’t define my worth or my capacity to be loved.”

Original thought: “If I’m not perfect, people will leave.”

Compassionate reframe: “I learned somewhere that I had to earn love by being perfect. That belief is still loud in my head, but it doesn’t have to be my truth forever.”

Notice: these reframes don’t say “no big deal.”

They say, “This is a big deal, and I’m still worthy and capable.”

When Reframing Can Wait

Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is not reframe right away.

You might not be ready for cognitive work when:

- You’re in the middle of a panic attack or flashback.

- You’re freshly grieving a loss.

- You’ve just experienced a real, present-tense threat or violation.

- Your body is in full “fight/flight/freeze” mode.

In those moments, trying to “think differently” can feel like someone telling you to calm down while the house is still on fire.

In those cases, focus first on:

- Safety: “Am I physically safe right now?”

- Regulation: grounding, breathing, sensory tools, reaching out to someone.

- Validation: “Of course I feel this way. Something really intense just happened.”

You can always come back to reframing later, when your nervous system isn’t screaming.

A Quick Template You Can Use When You’re Stuck

When you notice a painful thought, you can walk yourself through this:

1. What happened?

“This is what actually happened…”

2. What am I feeling?

“Right now I feel…”

3. What’s the story my brain is telling about this?

“My brain is saying that this means…”

4. Does that story feel harsh or balanced?

“Is this thought attacking me or supporting me?”

5. What else might be true that’s kinder and still honest?

“A more compassionate version of this might be…”

You don’t have to believe the new thought 100% right away.

If it feels even 5–10% more grounded and kind, that’s progress.

You Don’t Have to Choose Between Truth and Kindness A lot of people secretly believe:

“If I’m gentle with myself, I’m lying to myself.”

But compassion isn’t the same as denial.

You can:

- Acknowledge harm and work toward healing.

- Grieve what happened and refuse to define yourself by it.

- Validate your pain and learn to question the stories that make you feel even smaller.

Reframing isn’t about pretending things are fine.

It’s about telling the truth in a way that doesn’t crush you.

You have the right to your feelings and you also have the right to tools that help you suffer less. Used compassionately, cognitive tools aren't a way to gaslight yourself. They’re a way to stand with yourself—especially when your brain is trying to turn pain into a verdict on your worth.